I'm such a neurotic

So, I'm going to join in with a bunch of other musicians to play for a dance. We do this for no money because the people there can't afford to pay us and they are nice people and heaven knows they haven't gotten the breaks in life. So, once a year we play for a Valentine's Day dance for them. The other musicians are all much better than I am (most are members of active bands) and can actually earn money playing music. So, for me, it's a thrill to play with these folks. Also, since there is usually no printed music and no printed play list, everything is done on the fly. I'm not very good at that. Well, to be honest, I'm TERRIBLE at that. But you don't learn if you don't push yourself. I'm the only keyboard player (there's a drummer and a number of guitarists and singers), so I sort of feel an obligation, too. I fill in between the drum beats and guitar strums. The other musicians usually compliment me by saying I really help to fill out the sound. At least I take it as a compliment.

So, I packed up my keyboard, amplifier, microphones, mic stands and all the other stuff that goes into this. I'm setting up my equipment (which was in storage for about four months while we moved) and I'm not sure if everything is in working order. I'm happy to find a chair that I can put my amp on so it's right behind me and higher up so I can hear myself. The guitars are usually blasting and I have trouble hearing myself and, anyway, I can't pick up the keys and chords as fast as I should. So, having the amplifier right behind me and higher up (closer to my ears) helps out a lot. There is a fellow hanging around that I know a little but not well. He's kind of hovering around me. I'm not sure why I was singled out but he is certainly paying more attention to me than the other guys. I get everything plugged in and turn it on and it's very quiet. Not completely silent but not as loud as it should be. I play with the volume control - no luck. I try the other three channels of my amplifier - no luck. Then the hovering guy starts offering suggestions. He offers each suggestion and I counter with, "I've tried that." He's not giving me a chance to think and I'm getting the sick feeling in my stomach that something happened to my equipment while it was in storage and that it's ruined. Then the hovering guy says, "Is that foot pedal your volume control?" Why, yes it is. But I try that and it still doesn't work. But at least he thought of something I hadn't thought of. My next step is to try to plug it into the main amp the microphones are going to plug into but the guitarists are gathered around it tuning and talking about which songs to do and I don't want to bother them. So, I step out of the room to do something else for a while until I can get to the main amplifier.

When I get back, the hovering guy has plugged my keyboard into the big amp and is tapping the keys to check the level. He says, "It was your amp. Do you know how I can change the sound on this keyboard." Well, I guess I do! It was at this point that I should have stepped in, told him, "Thanks for your help but I can take it from here" but I didn't. Instead, Mr. Neurotic (that's me) uses the pretext of carrying his failed amplifier out of the room and to his desk (I forgot to mention that this is all going on at the company I work for - the dance is taking place in the cafeteria). Then I sit down at my desk and mess around on the Internet for a while. I figure that Hovering Guy will decide to go home sometime and then I can go in and start fretting around about what songs we're doing and what key they are in. It's a very stressful thing for me and I kind of have to ease into it. Another complicating factor is that other people around me are working late and wondering why I'm not in the cafeteria so I decide to go outside and sit in the car for a while. That doesn't last long, though, because it's so cold outside. So, I go back in and hope Hovering Guy has left. No luck, though. He's playing along with the band. So, that's it. Now I've got to wait until the dance is over. I thought about just leaving but I wasn't sure they all knew which of the stuff was mine. I wasn't in the mood to lose some equipment. I waited around at my desk until it looked like people were leaving. Then, I went it to pick up my equipment but, of course, had to answer the chorus of , "Hey, where did you go?" and "I thought you were here." But my favorite came from Hovering guy, "Well, when you didn't come back, I filled in for you."

[Update: The fellow I've been derisively calling Hovering Guy came up to me to apologize. Now I really feel bad. If I wasn't so unsure of my abilities and wasn't so bad at performing under those circumstances (quickly switching from song to song, having to discover the key by ear, etc.), I would have stayed there and we could have shared the keyboard. I may have even learned something. But due to my neurosis, I just retreated and didn't join in. And I made him feel uncomfortable, too. When I think I've matured and that I'm a full member of the Human race, reality comes crashing in.]